After a decade of dating, Dave and Thalia Harvey tied the knot last year, but not before the everyday issues of living together almost tore them apart.
The couple- she's 54 and he's 60, say that compromise was the key to resolving many issues that had plagued them in the past.
"I had moved into Dave's house a few years ago and I never felt like it was my house we ended up breaking up," says Thalia.
This time was different. "Dave and I each owned townhomes, and we agreed that neither of us wanted to move into each other's homes, so we bought a home together."
Choosing what furniture to keep, where to live and what they wanted in a house did cause some tension, but they faced it head-on. "We each laid out everything we wanted in a home and where we wanted to live before we went looking," says Dave.
The Importance of Compromise
Moving in together can come fraught with problems if you don't learn to compromise, according to registered clinical counselor Melinda Freitas. Specializing in stress management and counseling at Vancouver's Kyouei Centre for Change, Freitas sees many clients dealing with the same issues as Dave and Thalia Harvey.
"Older couples come to the table with lots of material goodsthings that are a source of pride and achievement, but one partner might see their things far differently," she says. "What furniture to keep and what to sell can cause a lot of tension. One person shouldn't take over; both should feel at home in their new home... and that means compromise."
It's much easier for young couples starting out, says Freitas. "Many young couples don't come to the table with a lot of material goods, or failed marriages."
Jeff Hopkins and Leah Perry are a professional couple in their late twenties. They moved in a little over a year ago after dating for more than six years, and say their biggest issue was learning to live with each other's idiosyncrasies.
"For me it was the TV remote," quips Jeff. "We have absolutely no common taste in television shows or movies."
"As to how to decorate, even though we sometimes had different ideas we decided together," adds Leah. "It wasn't too difficult, because neither of us had a lot of furniture we were really attached to."
With their finances, they each kept their own accounts but opened a joint credit card, as well as a chequing and savings account for household expenses, trips and a future home purchase.
5 Issues
Living under the same roof can be a wonderful experiencejust don't jump into it without having some serious discussions first. Here are some things to consider before you share closet space.
- Honesty:Both individuals need to be completely honest about their expectations, feelings, concerns and dreams for the future. Communicating your needs and wants is crucial to a good relationship. Resentment will soon build up if you aren't straightforward. Freitas says couples have to sit down together and be able to be vulnerable, honest and open to each other's feelings and opinions.
- Finances:Money can be a major factor in breakups. Before moving in, you want to discuss who will be responsible for what expense, how you will split household expenses, whose name is on the lease and how you will manage your banking. Merging expenses needs a serious discussion to eliminate possible conflict down the road.
- Sacrificing independence:This one is the hardest issue for many who have lived on their own for an extended period of time. It's importantand even healthyto designate an area in the home where each can go for personal time and space. It's also essential to remember that you aren't giving up your individuality; rather you are sharing your life with the one you love. Freitas says to show respect to your partner by checking in when you are going to be late or going out, and consider the other person when friends call to invite you for a night out.
- Housework:When it comes to sharing the household chores, figuring out who does what will save a lot of stress. Hopkins and Perry have worked out a system that whoever cooks that night, the other cleans up. For all other chores, they divided them equally.
- Whose furniture to keep:Set aside time to go through each other's possessions and discuss the "must-haves" and those pieces that can be negotiated. "Dave and I used to have a lot of photos of our children on our walls, so we compromised. Dave's photos are in his office and mine are in my office," says Thalia Harvey.
"I see patients who come to me at an impasse," says Freitas. "Sometimes one or the other is ready to move forward and the other is stuck. If there is a conflict based on fear or one is not completely committed to the relationship, I suggest to couples that they reconsider moving in together."
One of the most crucial aspects both couples say they have learned about living together is respect.
"Both of us have learned to respect each other's space and independence," says Perry.
Dave Harvey agrees with Perry and adds: "If you love your spouse or partner, you will accept that compromise is something you do nearly on a daily basis, and it is the key to happy life together."
